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Crappy Game Review - Rune Age

An open letter to Fantasy Flight Games:

Are you even trying any more? Have you given up trying to make original games, and just devoted all your time to reprinting stuff that you already know will be popular? Are your game designers even showing up for work? Have you started handing out heroin at company picnics?

I ask because I recently played Rune Age, and it is a very sloppy piece of work. It is wonderfully illustrated, of course, but I'm pretty sure you just got the art from other games - which would not be hard, since this game is based in the same world as Runebound, Descent and Rune Wars. It even has a few neat ideas in it, but it looks like you gave the designer four days to whip up a deckbuilding game so that you could have one of your own, and then set him to work coming up with new ways to use non-standard dice before he ever got to actually play his creation.

I can appreciate that you gave us four different ways to play. In theory, it is pretty cool that I could use the same game to play a cooperative exercise, a bloodthirsty kill-fest, a Euro-style shopping spree and a competitive co-op. I like where your head is at, but without a whole lot more effort, a game this ambitious is going to fail. It will be just like the time you tried to date three women in one night without telling any of them about the others, and ended up wearing your tux jacket with no shirt and trying to explain to the drive-thru lady why you needed seventeen tacos with no shells.

I even like that there are different resources provided by different cards, so that I have to decide if I want something that can do some violence, or if I need to add some income to my deck. Should I attack my opponent's home, or try to steal one of his cities? It would seem like there are lots of options and things to do, but if you thought this, you would be largely disappointed.

I've played all the scenarios. Some I even played twice. And I can say that your bold approach shows courage, even if you failed to make any of the four scenarios fun to play. There are neat abilities on some of the cards, but the main theme of this deckbuilding game seems to be not being able to build a deck. Every time it starts to look like I might be able to have a discard pile for more than one turn, all my cards get destroyed and then I end up having to draw three times.

You've got some of it right. For instance, you shouldn't be able to buy the best things on your first turn. That works fine. You should have to buy cards that improve your chances of buying things, which Rune Age makes me do, so at least that is working. But once I do get that big hand of buying power, I need to have something to buy. When there are only a small handful of the coolest cards available, they tend to go pretty fast, and then I have to decide if I would like to cram my deck with a bunch of gold just so I have more than eight cards (because God knows I won't be buying anything but the starter cards that keep getting destroyed). It's just sad that more care was not taken. You could have kept the game interesting right up to the end, but instead you rushed the game out the door so you could cash in on the deckbuilding craze.

Speaking of deckbuilding, have you even played any of the other games out there? If you had, you probably would have noticed a common trend. Every other deckbuilding game I've played gives you enough cards in your starting deck that you don't see your first-round purchases until your third turn. But you've got eight-card decks and five-card hands, which means that after your first turn (and possibly sooner, thanks to some wildly irritating event cards), you'll be playing with the same cards twice. That is just sloppy. It's an obvious, easily-spotted error that you could have fixed with just a little more time and effort.

And while we're discussing not having enough cards, why do you keep making me throw away the ones I've already got? I don't have enough to start, and then every time I turn around, they're leaving my deck. This is very frustrating! When I finish the game with fewer cards than I had when I started, something is not working right. And that non-working something would be the part of the game where I build my deck. In a deckbuilding game. If this were a deckscrewing game, you would have got it just right. But it's not, and you didn't.

I wanted to love Rune Age. I like Runebound a lot, even if it does move slower than immigration reform, and I thought Rune Wars was a ton of fun. I can even sign off on the bland, generic fantasy setting, mostly because you've always got really good art and I'm a sucker for an elf chick in a thong. But I won't be playing Rune Age again, and it's kind of sad, because you had some great ideas working there, and you just screwed them up because you didn't take the time to finish the game.

I know the market demands that you publish more games to stay afloat. I get that, and I can't blame you for an aggressive publishing schedule. Hell, I'm looking forward to the Descent reboot, especially if I don't have to start flipping through the manual every time a new monster walks in the room. But I think it is somewhat telling that the Fantasy Flight games I have enjoyed recently were mostly reprints.


In fact, I'm starting to think that Fantasy Flight doesn't have any respect for the people who buy your games. This is such a lackluster effort that it seems like you just really don't care if you make good stuff, because you think we'll gobble it up like a six-year-old on a bag of ice cream dots at the zoo. This isn't just lazy. It's a cheap attempt to cash in on a trend. A company that really cared about providing quality games would have taken the time to make this one work, or they wouldn't make it at all.

Take your time. You have some very good designers. You could do a lot better than this. Rune Age was a throwaway effort, an attempt to compete with Nightfall and Dominion and Eminent Domain. The difference, you'll probably see, is that those games were designed by people who took the job seriously. Those games were tweaked and tested and played and scrapped and scrubbed and spindled and folded, until they are well-oiled machines of card-buying frenzy. Rune Age, by comparison, is the rusty clunker I bought for 500 bucks when I was in college. The one with the gas gauge that always read empty and the windows that only rolled down if I took off the door panel. The game might be a deckbuilding game, but it's a sloppy, unfinished mess.

I know you can do better than this. I've seen it. I've played dozens of your games that I really loved, but if you keep making copycat games that look like you slapped dog poop on a Xerox machine, that could change. You're the industry giant, but being big is no reason to get sloppy.

Unless you're Andre the Giant. He really couldn't talk any better than that.

Summary

2-4 players

Pros:
Some interesting ideas, like an event deck that affects all the players, every round
Great art, which mostly came from other games

Cons:
An obviously flawed attempt to ride the coattails of better games
Not much fun to play a deckbuilding game that keeps me from building a deck
Sloppy and unfinished
Design that says Fantasy Flight has no respect for its fans

If you want to buy a copy of Rune Age - well, don't. It sucks. I'm not giving you a link. I'm pissed that I played it, and I'm not telling you where to get your own.

Expansion Review - Quarmageddon

Have you been enjoying Quarriors half-a-week? I know I have! Mostly because I only had to write two reviews, and I got to play Quarriors a bunch of times. Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.

To finish off Quarriors half-a-week (which, seriously, is just two reviews), I'm going to review Quarmageddon, because it's the only other expansion for Quarriors I haven't reviewed yet, and if I reviewed a different game, I would have chosen a really ridiculous name for my half-a-week celebration.

Quarriors is kind of a funny game. It's not like I fall asleep thinking about how much fun it is, or daydream at work about the next time I can play. It's got a few flaws that might have a Dominion fan turning up his nose, and the art is decent without being Asmodee good. And yet I play the damned thing more than nearly any other game I own. Actually, I can't think of one I play more. So strike that - I play Quarriors more than any other game I own.

The biggest thing that keeps me hauling Quarriors out to the game table is the replay factor (and the fact that my wife really likes it). Every time you play this game, you've got a different set of cards, which means a different set of strategies, which means you have to change your plan every time you set up a game. Of course, to keep that diversity flowing, you need to add new stuff to the game every now and then - which brings us to Quarmageddon.

Unlike Rise of the Demons, which brought out a brand new way to play, Quarmageddon doesn't try to fix what isn't broken (not that Rise of the Demons did, though the demon overlord did end up being handy when I needed a tire changed). The real purpose of Quarmageddon is to give you six new creatures and two new spells, so that your strategies can change a whole bunch more times. Add these new options to the already-existing elements that are in Quarriors so far, and you've got a whole hell of a lot more games before you start to see the same things pop up all the time. So at its most basic, Quarmageddon gives you exactly what you need out of an expansion - more reasons to play. That, and some place to dump a little of the extra money you have just sitting around your house like Scrooge McDuck.

If the new creatures and spells were the only additions you could find in Quarmageddon, that would be enough to justify buying it. But like that Sham-Wow guy getting bit on the tongue by a hooker, I want to tell you, 'OW! DAGGID! LEGGO!' And then, if I was that guy after he got his tongue back and made another innuendo-laced commercial for something you definitely do not need, I would say, 'But wait! There's more!' And then I would not hire hookers who wanted to French kiss.

See, Quarmageddon also includes something you didn't even know you were missing - a whole damned lot of space in the box. There's a magnificent plastic tray in the expanded box that will allow you to sort all the dice and hold them beautifully, and when you put everything away and flip the box over, everything will fly all over the kitchen and under the stove and you will be digging for it for hours. Then you will remember to put the lid on the box, you retard, because if you had, the dice would not have moved at all. The tray is even big enough to hold the next two or three expansions, which you can also lose under the stove if you're still too stupid to close the box before you start juggling it.

But wait! There's more!

Remember when I said the new expansion didn't try to reinvent the wheel (probably you don't remember that, because that's not what I said, I said it wasn't going to fix what wasn't broken)? Well, I wasn't being completely honest (or I would not have been, if that's what I actually said). The best thing in the whole box is something I'm about to give you for free - the optional rules. The first rule says you can buy two dice on your turn. The second rule says that you have to cull any creatures who score. These two rules together make Quarriors approximately 116 percent better. That's an estimate, of course. There is a 2.7 percent margin for error.

You don't have to play with those optional rules, but those two little optional rules make the game so much better that you would be stupid not to use them. Of course, you could have used them before, but now that they're in print, it's more like they're official. Now the game has far, far more depth. It takes longer than a cigarette break, and you have to be really careful about your purchases. No more just buying the most expensive thing because you probably won't be able to afford it later. Now there's a real incentive to buy the cheap guys, and more than ever before, the spell cards become a huge factor.

I liked Quarriors before Quarmageddon, which is good because I've played it a bunch. But now that I add in this big ol' expansion, this game is one of my favorites. You can win with wildly clever ideas and crazy risks. Luck is nowhere near as important as it was before - they key now is to make smart buys and difficult decisions. You now have more options than ever, and your decisions matter more than they did. Where the original is light and campy, now you've got yourself a smart game that I really enjoy playing, enough that it hits the table in my house about twice a week.

If you have to choose between Quarmageddon and Rise of the Demons, I have to wonder how wise it is to spend money on games at all, because you must be pretty broke. Rise of the Demons is cheaper than a medium pizza. But if you're dead-set on spending money you can't afford, Quarmageddon really is more fun. Honestly, if you like Quarriors, get 'em both. They'll give you more replay and make the game more fun. If you need more reasons than that, what the hell are you playing games for?

Summary

Still 2-4 players

Pros:
Give you lots more reasons to play lots more times
Fantastic storage with room to grow
New optional rules add so much depth to the game, they should have been there from the beginning

Cons:
Can't think of any

Quarmageddon is more expensive than Rise of the Demons, but not only is it worth it, I happen to know where you can save a bundle on it. Yeah, that's right, Noble Knight Games.
QUARMAGEDDON FOR EVERYBODY

Get 'Em Here First - Drake's Flames Shirts!

I've been talking about doing this for a while now, and it's about time I actually followed through. Inspired by the big holiday celebrating our nation's independence, I grabbed some American tradition with both hands, and spent some time on the thing that made this country what it is today - capitalism.

In order to make a more perfectly horrible website even more offensive, I've created some shirts that will be certain to earn you some odd stares when you go to the mall. I've got two going right now, and I have a few more designs to add down the road, when I get around to it. The first design you can buy, so that you can show me how much you love me and also give me money and also show people that you have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever, is the Drake's Flames white tee. This is the stunning design you will be able to wear if you purchase this lovely garment:






Pretty sharp, huh? If you're looking for clothing that says, 'Ladies, I am available, probably because of shirts like this one,' this should do the trick. That's right, this shirt should be better than body odor for keeping your commitment to the Promisekeepers and avoiding consensual pairings of any kind.

And if you want to step it up a notch and really repel people, you should see the other shirt I made. This one will not just keep the women away. This shirt will probably get you a free trip to the police station! But it looks totally bad-ass, so while you're in jail, you can get a prison tattoo and start dating needy women you meet online who don't have the sense to avoid getting mixed up with prison convicts.




The first shirt - the white one - is cheaper. That's because white shirts are cheaper than black shirts. Couldn't I have designed the second one to go on a white shirt? Sure, I suppose I could have done that. But everyone knows that guys in black t-shirts have marginally more sex than guys in white t-shirts. Plus if you're going to have a killer robot cowboy gambler orc on your shirt, it should be black. The shirt, I mean, not the robot. The robot can be any ethnicity, unless you're in the Klan, and then the robot has to be both white and protestant.

In case you're worried that I don't intend to finish Quarriors half-a-week, have no fear. I'll be back on the evening of the big fat Fourth of July, and since I don't have any plans to get drunk, I should have no problem delivering a review of Quarmageddon, thus finishing Quarriors half-a-week.

Anyway, here are some links.


DRAKE'S FLAMES WHITE TEE

REAL MEN PLAY GAMES WHERE PEOPLE DIE TEE

Once these get uploaded and I get my store all cleaned up, I'll put up an ad, so all you consumers can throw money at me like I was a sweaty rock star. Or, more appropriately, a prostitute.

Expansion Review - Rise of the Demons

It's Quarriors week! Because I have Quarriors expansions to review. I already reviewed Quarriors, so that only leaves two expansions, which means that Quarriors week is only going to last until Wednesday, and then I'll have to write something else for Friday.

So it's Quarriors half-a-week!

The first feature of Quarriors half-a-week is Rise of the Demons, a rather small expansion for Quarriors that really only introduces three new things - a new spell, a new critter, and a new type of crappy die that you can give to your friends to make them angry with you. But it also has a bunch of cards that add to the ones in the big tin cube version of Quarriors (otherwise known as the base game) and make them all corrupty (corrupty, as it turns out, is not a real word).

You wouldn't expect that three little additions would make the game completely different, but they kind of do. Quarriors in its original form isn't all that involved, although it is a heck of a lot of fun. Just about anything you decide to add to your burgeoning dice pool (burgeoning, by the by, IS a real word) is good, and even if you don't build an efficient dice pool, you can still get some good rolls and make stuff work.

But with Rise of the Demons, you now have corruption dice, and they are pretty much completely bad. With very few notable exceptions, corruption dice will just make you sad. Not like actually sad, or anything, just sort of frustrated. And they're kind of fun, so you won't even be all that frustrated, just kind of irritated. But whatever unpleasant emotion corruption dice make you feel, the point is that having them is generally considered not good at all.

Unfortunately, if you're using the cards in Rise of the Demons, you'll have lots of chances to get those unpleasant corruption dice, and when you do, you will see a marked decrease in your spending power, your ability to summon minions, and your ability to have a bag full of dice that look like candy (because the corruption dice are gray and kind of ugly). They mostly take up space and don't give you anything, but sometimes they will let your opponent score points or make your guys easier to kill or otherwise make you go, 'dammit!' in a loud voice that will frighten the dog because he thinks you are yelling at him.

(For the record, it's a good idea to holler at your dog from time to time, because chances are, he's up to no good. Between getting on the furniture, chasing the cat or pooping in the living room, dogs are mischievous little boogers. There's almost no downside to keeping them on their toes.)

 The corruption dice in Rise of the Demons, along with the new corrupted creatures and the cool corruption spells, really do change the way you'll play the game. Depending on what's on the table, you might go for an aggressive strategy that deliberately loads up your opponent with corruption dice, or work to avoid getting any yourself, or even take an all-or-nothing approach that lends you a lot of power at the cost of sucking up a bunch of those nasty dice. The game can last a little longer, but every now and then you'll see a combination of stuff that lets you break out some serious beatdowns and score crazy points for sudden wins. The game still plays out in less than 45 minutes (and usually less than 20 minutes), and it's even more fun than before.

The thing that Rise of the Demons really adds to Quarriors is a bit more strategic depth. And while I still hold that the original is a blast (I've played at least twenty games now), if there's one thing it needed, it was more chances to do smart stuff. There were just too many times that the best choice was the most obvious. But toss in Rise of the Demons, and new strategies will abound. This is a fun, solid expansion to a fun, solid game, and if you're a fan of Quarriors, I can't imagine a reason not to pick this up.

Summary

Pros:
Adds some strategy and more difficult decisions
Provides more options and gives you more reasons to play

Cons:
Not a whole heck of a lot in the box

If you like Quarriors, you should run over to Noble Knight Games and pick up this kick-ass little supplement real cheap:
SCOOP SOME CORRUPTION SLIME